Now Very Bad…

Category: Reviews

  • Jack the Giant Slayer (2013)

    Jack the Giant Slayer (2013)

    140 Character Movie Review – #140RVW

    Can someone please wake me when the 3D CGI movie boom is over? This movie sucked. I know I’m usually more political than that, but it did…

    Alternate 140 Character Movie Review – #140RVW

    A lesser writer would make some crack that it’s a standard soulless 3D CG action/fantasy in a magic bean; just add water. Yep, that works…

    Jack the Giant Slayer

    Spoiler-free Movie Review of Jack the Giant Slayer:

    When Jack the Giant Slayer opens, it is with interspersed scenes of main characters Jack & Princess Isabelle as children, excitedly listening to the same bedtime story from opposite ends of the kingdom. The tale of King Erik, who defeated an entire army of giants, fascinates the children in the best scene from the movies. It is so well written, filmed and edited that it raised my expectations for the film. Would that it had not.

    Jack the Giant Slayer

    Because from the start, I knew exactly what this thing was going to be, although I hoped it might outplay its potential. From the initial trailers, this looked to be the sort of CG-infested fantasy film the likes of which are all too familiar these days. But I had hopes for more based largely on the talent involved and the perceived fun tone. I give a little more leash to family friendly adventures that don’t take themselves too seriously.

    Sadly, while the movie is for the most part true to that spirit of adventure, it tries for epic at the same time and lands uncomfortably somewhere in between.

    Jack the Giant Slayer

    The updated telling of Jack and the Beanstalk leaves virtually nothing of the tale intact. Jack (Nicholas Hoult) does indeed get sent to town to sell his cow (actually, it’s a horse in this version, so that isn’t even the same) and comes away with magic beans, but even that is less the action of a simpleton and more a framing device for a complicated plot. It seems that these beans were stolen from the grave of King Erik by Lord Roderick (a moustache twisting Stanley Tucci, who must really be tired of these roles) so that he can rule the realm or something. (I’m giving nothing away here – it’s all laid out within 10 minutes).

    Jack the Giant Slayer

    Princess Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson), who is not allowed to be a person because she’s required to be a Disney princess by her father, King Brahmwell (Ian McShane in not to be believed outlandish costumes), who wants her to marry Roderick. So she constantly acts out and explores, leading to her meet cute in the town with Jack. And then another meet cute when she runs off a second time in the first 15 minutes and ends up at his house seeking shelter from a rainstorm. (This film doesn’t believe in doing anything once if it can do it twice.)

    Jack the Giant Slayer

    Said rainstorm causes magic bean to sprout massive beanstalk which sends the Princess up to the land of poor CG. Jack will need to rescue her, helped by Elmont, Captain of the King’s Guard (Ewan McGregor), and his number 2, Crawe (Eddie Marsan). Hindering them will be Roderick & his toady Wicke (Ewen Bremner). The movie doesn’t totally know what to do with Elmont, saddling him with heroism and humor in equal parts. That’s fine, but the humor seems to be taking him down a peg for being a pompous hero, then celebrating his pompous heroism in the next moment.

    Jack the Giant Slayer

    All of this up to this point is flawed but ok. No, the trouble comes as soon as we meet the giants. Yes, plural. There are tons of them. Again, not a problem in of itself, except that these giants hail from the (sadly not lost) land of poor character design. The problem isn’t the motion capture or even the CG itself (though it’s pretty poor), it’s the all too familiar decision to make them all “interesting” and different creatures. So some will be funny and some will be menacing and they all will have easily identifiable features because someone with unwarranted optimism thought they might be able to make action figures out of them if the movie became a hit. (Since every movie since Star Wars has mistakenly thought this would work, I’m going to call it the Kenner Effect.)

    Jack the Giant Slayer

    King of the heap must be Fallon, a two-headed giant who’s sort of the leader. This two-headed thing is not only pointless and ridiculous; it actually marks the moment that the movie crosses the line into cartoon and becomes untenable. One of the heads, the only one that does any real talking, is over-acted by Bill Nighy. His performance is aimed at the two people who found his work in Pirates of the Caribbean too subtle. I love the good roles Nighy has turned in, but the poor ones are staring to cancel out any goodwill he’s fostered.

    It all just descends into CG tomfoolery from that point on.

    Jack the Giant Slayer

    There just isn’t much loveable about the movie. It gets the tone wrong and is full of discrepancies, particularly in the makeup of the characters. Jack is never really anything but a hero – he starts off too strong to ever have any type of arc. Princess Isabelle seems like she’s going to be an actual character, but quickly becomes a damsel in distress. It’s really disheartening.

    Most disappointing, though, is how many talented people went into making this weak of a film. In addition to Singer and all of the actors, DP Newton Thomas Sigel’s talents are completely wasted on 3D digital cameras. The movie looks awful and that’s too bad. It really is a missed opportunity.

    Poster:

    Trailer:

    Bechdel Test:

    Fail

    The Representation Test Score: D (3 pts)

    (http://therepresentationproject.org/grading-hollywood-the-representation-test/)

    Representation Test

    [schema type=”movie” name=”Jack the Giant Slayer” description=”The ancient war between humans and a race of giants is reignited when Jack, a young farmhand fighting for a kingdom and the love of a princess, opens a gateway between the two worlds.” director=”Bryan Singer” actor_1=”Nicholas Hoult” ]

    Main Cast Nicholas Hoult Jack, Stanley Tucci Roderick, Ewan McGregor Elmont, Bill Nighy General Fallon
    Rating PG-13
    Release Date Fri 01 Mar 2013 UTC
    Director Bryan Singer
    Genres Adventure, Fantasy
    Plot The ancient war between humans and a race of giants is reignited when Jack, a young farmhand fighting for a kingdom and the love of a princess, opens a gateway between the two worlds.
    Poster Jack the Giant Slayer
    Runtime 114
    Tagline If you think you know the story, you don’t know Jack.
    Writers Darren Lemke (screenplay) and, Christopher McQuarrie (screenplay) …
    Year 2013
  • The Karate Kid (1984)

    The Karate Kid (1984)

    140 Character Movie Review – #140RVW

    30 years (&1 week) ago, Daniel-san crane kicked his way into theaters. Still a fantastic picture, funny & inspirational to me & my daughter.

    The Karate Kid

    Spoiler-free Movie Review of The Karate Kid:

    As I’ve been writing these reviews for this blog, I’ve tried to focus on a number of movies as they celebrate big anniversaries. None have been more satisfying as the 30 year films, as when I rewatch them now, my daughter is seeing them for the first time at the same age that I was when they were released. It’s a great chance to see if the movies resonate with a modern eleven year old as they did 30 years ago.

    The Karate Kid was right in my wheelhouse when it debuted in 1984. I was the perfect age for the tale of an awkward bullied kid who learns balance through karate from a mysterious and wise mentor. Like virtually everyone else, I remember kicking and punching all the way back to the car after leaving the theater.

    The Karate Kid

    It’s an inspiring movie, and a fun one. It’s Rocky, essentially. The films share a director, so that’s probably intentional. Which is not to say that The Karate Kid is not an original movie, just that it has a common ancestry with the Rocky franchise and a similar approach to crafting feel-good sports stories. (Among other things, the Survivor song “You’re the Best” that plays during the tournament was written for Rocky III before being replaced with “Eye of the Tiger” from that same band.)

    The story by Robert Mark Kamen (near the beginning of what would be a hugely successful career) is fresh and solid. It borrows the usual high school conflicts and relationships but makes it all new again with the mentoring relationship of Miyagi.

    The Karate Kid

    The acting is fun, particularly with the casting of Noriyuki “Pat” Morita as Kesuke Miyagi. Morita would receive an entirely deserved Best Supporting Actor Oscar nomination.

    Did you know they wanted Mako to play Mr. Miyagi but he was already committed to Conan the Destroyer? See, there’s exactly one good thing about Conan the Destroyer…

    The Karate Kid

    It can’t be overstated how hugely successful the pairing of Morita and Macchio is. The obvious respect and caring between these two entirely make the picture. It’s a great and unique partnership, not unseen in film previously, but very fresh and it gives this movie a depth that may not come across from the story alone.

    Macchio was 22 at time of filming. Just reflect on that for a minute as you look at the stills. This guy would play young for much of his early career, but play well. I’ve always enjoyed his pictures.

    The Karate Kid

    You know what I never really noticed the 20-odd times I saw this movie in the 80’s? Daniel-san is kind of a jerk. I mean, I obviously was aware of how whiny he was, but he was a much more sympathetic character when I was 11 than he is now. In his dealings with would-be girlfriend Ali (Elizabeth Shue in her film debut), he’s a total tool. You want her to slap him around. Her character is really weak.

    And don’t forget William Zabka as Johnny Lawrence, the “real” karate kid, according to Barney Stinson…

    The Karate Kid

    The Karate Kid is a quintessential 1980’s movie, with all the good and bad that entails. It is fun and well-made and surprisingly holds up very strongly today.

    The Karate Kid

    Poster:

    Trailer:

    Bechdel Test:

    Fail

    The Representation Test Score: C (5 pts)

    (http://therepresentationproject.org/grading-hollywood-the-representation-test/)

    The Karate Kid Representation Test

    [schema type=”movie” name=”The Karate Kid” description=”A handyman/martial arts master agrees to teach a bullied boy karate and shows him that there is more to the martial art than fighting.” director=”John G. Avildsen” actor_1=”Ralph Macchio” ]

    Main Cast Ralph Macchio Daniel, Pat Morita (as Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita) Miyagi, Elisabeth Shue Ali, Martin Kove Kreese
    Rating PG
    Release Date Fri 22 Jun 1984 UTC
    Director John G. Avildsen
    Genres Action, Drama, Family, Sport
    Plot A handyman/martial arts master agrees to teach a bullied boy karate and shows him that there is more to the martial art than fighting.
    Poster The Karate Kid
    Runtime 126
    Tagline Only the ‘Old One’ could teach him the secrets of the masters.
    Writers Robert Mark Kamen (written by)
    Year 1984
  • Conan the Destroyer (1984)

    Conan the Destroyer (1984)

    140 Character Movie Review – #140RVW

    PG-rated sequel isn’t actually as awful as I remember. Scant praise, maybe, but I remember it being truly wretched. It just isn’t any good.

    Conan the Destroyer

    Spoiler-free Movie Review of Conan the Destroyer:

    Conan was always intended to be a saga, for obvious reasons. The character’s roots were in serial stories that could go on more or less forever and the premise lends itself to multiple sequels. So after the success of Conan the Barbarian, this film was inevitable and so should have been more successful. Sadly, it’s a classic franchise-killer.

    Watching it now, on the 30th anniversary of its release, it’s really nowhere near as bad as I remembered it being. It certainly is not a good movie, but it really shouldn’t have stopped the film franchise dead in its tracks. I rather suspect that the bigger reason that no further sequel was forthcoming is that Schwarzenegger was simply too big of a star at this point to waste any more time on it unless it was going to be a guaranteed success. The other reason may have been that 1984 was a banner year for movies and this film looked even worse than it would have next to its peers. Conan the Destroyer was released a week after The Karate Kid, and with  that, Ghostbusters & Gremlins still in theaters, why would you go see this?

    Conan the Destroyer

    Plans for Conan the Conqueror as a third picture went straight into development hell as Ahnold became a superstar with The Terminator, released later in 1984. They even recycled the script, turning it into Kull the Conqueror, “starring” Kevin Sorbo. (Kull is apparently another barbarian hero created by Robert E. Howard. No, I didn’t know that, I looked it up. My interest only goes so far.) I am uncomfortably aware that a third film is once again in development, called King Conan or the Legend of Conan, depending on who you listen to. Please stop.

    I am also aware that there was one more film to follow this one, Red Sonja, in which Schwarzenegger briefly returns as Conan, but since it is universally regarded as one of the worst films ever made, I’m choosing to ignore it.

    Conan the Destroyer

    So where did they go wrong? Everywhere, really. All of the A-listers involved in the first picture are absent here. New director (Richard Fleischer) & new screenwriter (Stanley Mann), both downgrades, work off of a comic book storyline, which does lead to a very comic book feel, in this instance meaning episodic and without any real weight. The picture simply feels like “the continuing adventures of…” without any importance and with the expectation of another equally bland tale next month. This probably would have made a very good episode of a Conan TV show, such as the Hercules show made in the 90’s with Kevin Sorbo (there’s that name again).

    Part of the comic book feel must surely be attributed to the downgrading of the rating from an R to a PG. Maybe if this had been made a few months later when they had created the PG-13 rating we’d be left with something a little less jarring, but in the landscape the movie was made in, if the studio wanted to make bank, they needed to tone down the violence to get the PG. Less violence wouldn’t necessarily have been a deal-killer, since this was the 80’s and PG films still contained quite a bit of content that wouldn’t fly today. No, the problem is the other thing studios do to make a picture more family-friendly – add “humor”. Humor in this case usually means comic relief characters, and this is no exception here, with the inclusion of Tracey Walter as cringe-inducing Malak. Walter plays him as if it were a character from another movie in another country that had been surgically introduced here and voiced by someone who didn’t understand the language.

    Conan the Destroyer

    The acting is terrible across the board, really. Olivia d’Abo plays Princess Jehnna but reminds you more of Willie Scott, the shrieking damsel from Temple of Doom (also still in theaters at this time). Grace Jones is here to remind you that you are right in the middle of the 80’s. Wilt Chamberlain is in this movie – really. It’s his only film role. See if you can guess why. He’s…well, he’s Wilt Chamberlain, but he has a wig. Sarah Douglas, Ursa from the first two Superman pictures also appears in this movie. That’s about as much as I’m willing to say.

    (André “The Giant” Roussimouff makes an uncredited appearance as Dagoth the god/monster thingy, but you won’t recognize him.)

    Conan the Destroyer

    But nothing is so disheartening as Conan himself. He talks more – and that’s bad. Do you know that in the first picture he speaks only five words to his leading lady, all within the first 30 seconds of meeting her? (“You’re not a guard.” and then “No.”) That’s it. Now, he’s not exactly eloquent in this movie, but he’s changed far too much since the first movie and that’s a fatal mistake.

    There’s a story here, but I’m not going to bore you with it. It stinks. Give this one a pass and go rewatch the original.

    Conan the Destroyer

    Poster:

    Trailer:

    Bechdel Test:

    Pass, somewhat surprisingly…

    The Representation Test Score: C (4 pts)

    (http://therepresentationproject.org/grading-hollywood-the-representation-test/)

    Conan the Destroyer Representation Test

    [schema type=”movie” name=”Conan the Destroyer” description=”Conan leads a ragtag group of adventurers on a quest for a princess.” director=”Richard Fleischer” actor_1=”Arnold Schwarzenegger” ]

    Main Cast Arnold Schwarzenegger Conan, Grace Jones Zula, Olivia d’Abo (as Olivia D’Abo) Princess Jehnna, Wilt Chamberlain Bombaata
    Rating PG
    Release Date Fri 29 Jun 1984 UTC
    Director Richard Fleischer
    Genres Action, Adventure, Fantasy
    Plot Conan leads a ragtag group of adventurers on a quest for a princess.
    Poster Conan the Destroyer
    Runtime 103
    Tagline The most powerful legend of all is back in a new adventure.
    Writers Robert E. Howard (character), Roy Thomas (story) …
    Year 1984
  • Conan the Barbarian (1982)

    Conan the Barbarian (1982)

    140 Character Movie Review – #140RVW

    Destined to be the breakout film for the Austrian Oak. No one else could have played Conan. No other role would have made him a superstar…

    Conan the Barbarian

    Spoiler-free Movie Review of Conan the Barbarian:

    It’s such a shame that Arnold Schwarzenegger has become such a polarizing figure. I suppose he was always controversial, but many of us were blissfully unaware of the baggage he brought around with him. During the 1980’s & 90’s, you could simply enjoy the sheer awesomeness of Ahnold.

    Conan the Barbarian
    The competition for Worst Wig is heated this year…

    I am aware that this film was recently remade in 2011 with Jason Momoa (Game of Thrones) as the titular character. I’m not sure if I’ll ever watch it. There is absolutely no upside to remaking such an iconic film.

    Conan the Barbarian
    Jorge Sanz, perfectly cast as young Conan. Eerie resemblance…

    And Conan is an iconic film – a fantastic movie. I know that statement will strike some as preposterous, but it’s true – it’s a very good movie.

    Conan the Barbarian

    It certainly took a long time to make. The character debuted in the pulp fiction pages of Weird Tales magazine in 1932, with creator Robert E. Howard penning some 20 tales before his untimely death in 1936 at age 30. The character was revived by authors L. Sprague DeCamp and Lin Carter (and others) in novel form, but it may have been the covers by famed fantasy artist Frank Frazetta that are the most indelible image of Conan the Cimmerian.

    Edward Summer was the first person to work toward turning Conan into a film character, enlisting executive producer Edward R. Pressman as early as 1975. It would take 7 years to make the film a reality. Along the way there was a crazy script written by an admittedly drugged-out Oliver Stone (who would retain partial screenwriting credit) and the acquisition of a co-producer (legend Dino De Laurentiis) and co-writer/director in John Milius.

    Conan the Barbarian
    Studying Article II of the Constitution regarding the “natural born” citizen requirement for Presidency, looking for loopholes…

    But it was the casting of bodybuilder and aspiring actor Arnold Schwarzenegger in the title role that really would sell this picture. While there were other strongmen who could have filled the role (one of Schwarzenegger’s friends and competitors Franco Columbu is in the film), none could have really owned the part the way Ahnold did. It really is his picture.

    Conan the Barbarian

    It’s the perfect role for him. His inexperience, his struggle with the accent, all of these are good things for the role – he’s a barbarian. I love that Schwarzenegger had to do his own stunts because they couldn’t possibly find a suitable body double. His physique is only more impressive when you realize he had to cut back on his workouts because he didn’t have any range of motion to use a sword – he was too huge. What’s sort of amusing to me, even on the thousandth viewing, is that he plays a thief. It’s just kind of funny to have someone so huge and without subtlety in the role of thief. Totally makes me question all those dice rolls…

    Conan the Barbarian

    The story is very good, although not so good that I’m going to summarize it here – it would sound silly. And I suppose to some degree it is, but it works well for this type of picture. The plot is based on a number of different Howard storylines, coaxed by Milius into shape by appropriating bits from other films like Seven Samurai. The dialogue is a great collection of funny lines – some of which were actually meant to be funny.

    Conan the Barbarian

    The acting by non-Austrian bodybuilders is fine, with James Earl Jones & Max Von Sydow along to provide gravitas in bad wigs. And the best thing about the film may well be the score by Basil Poledouris – simply gorgeous.

    Conan the Barbarian

    Despite primitive effects, it’s a good looking film. It looks like it could have been made more or less anytime pre-CG. While it was meant to be the beginning of a franchise, the crappy sequel and the rise of Ahnold made that difficult, although they seem to be seriously planning a new movie now that the Governator has returned to acting…

    Conan the Barbarian

    Conan the Barbarian is a fantastically fun picture. It’s stupid violent, with no subtlety and absolutely no cultural sensitivity. It scores a zero on the Representation Test and isn’t likely to be screened for my daughter any time soon. And I LOVE it. It’s one of my favorite movies and I simply refuse to apologize for it, by Crom…

    Conan the Barbarian

    Poster:

    Trailer:

    Bechdel Test:

    Fail

    The Representation Test Score: F (0 pts)

    Shocking, right?

    (http://therepresentationproject.org/grading-hollywood-the-representation-test/)

    Conan the Barbarian Representation Test
    [schema type=”movie” name=”Conan the Barbarian” description=”A vengeful barbarian warrior sets off to avenge his tribe and his parents whom were slain by an evil sorcerer and his warriors when he was a boy.” director=”John Milius” actor_1=”Arnold Schwarzenegger” actor_2=”James Earl Jones”]

    Main Cast Arnold Schwarzenegger Conan, James Earl Jones Thulsa Doom, Max von Sydow King Osric, Sandahl Bergman Valeria
    Rating R
    Release Date Fri 14 May 1982 UTC
    Director John Milius
    Genres Action, Fantasy, Adventure
    Plot A vengeful barbarian warrior sets off to avenge his tribe and his parents whom were slain by an evil sorcerer and his warriors when he was a boy.
    Poster Conan the Barbarian
    Runtime 129
    Tagline He conquered an empire with his sword. She conquered HIM with her bare hands.
    Writers Robert E. Howard (stories), John Milius (written by) …
    Year 1982
  • Super (2011)

    Super (2011)

    140 Character Movie Review – #140RVW

    Absurdly violent, this black comedy is less funny than expected, considering the talent involved. Uneven & off-tone but good for few laughs.

    Super

    Spoiler-free Movie Review of Super:

    Superhero movies always dance with the dark side. These costumed characters are vigilantes, after all, and there isn’t a large difference between the good guys and the villains sometimes. Superhero films are also good material for comedy; there’s something inherently silly about dressing up in a costume.

    Super tries to run with both of these ideas. The result is messy.

    Super

    Sad-sack short-order cook Frank Darbo (Rainn Wilson) decides to become a vigilante/hero after his recovering addict wife Sarah (Liv Tyler) is lured into away from him by drug-dealing strip club owner Jacques (a “what the hell is he doing here” Kevin Bacon).

    One of his motivations for donning a costume is believing he has been touched by God through His messenger, the Holy Avenger (Nathan Fillion), star of a crappy Christian public-access show. This is the worst use of Nathan Fillion I believe I have ever seen…

    Super

    The movie details his pathetic early attempts at creating a costume, fighting crime and maintaining a secret identity. It’s not bad stuff, particularly as he flails about in his “Crimson Bolt” costume in broad daylight, mystified as to where to look for crimes.

    But it takes a huge left turn when he finally confronts “criminals”, such as the guy who cut in the line in front of him. His costume fools no one, but after he viciously attacks wrongdoers with a pipe wrench, they find it hard to complain.

    Super

    He accidentally enlists the help of an over-eager comic book store clerk named Libby (Ellen Page) when his attempts to search comic books for ideas on being a superhero give him away. Despite his reluctance, he lets her suit up as “Boltie” and join him in the noble cause of ridding the city of thugs – like the guy who may have keyed her friends car – or maybe not.

    The movie’s latter two acts are totally joyless, leading to a bloodbath climax that clinches the film’s failure. Super suffers from nothing so much as an identity crisis. Writer/director James Gunn can’t decide on a tone and stick with it. I’m very nervous that he is responsible for Guardians of the Galaxy.

    Super

    The problem isn’t that it’s a violent movie. I like dark comedies and you can absolutely include violent content for laughs and/or for shock value. The problem is that it’s atonal violence. It doesn’t match the feel of the film. Super is like a mash-up of two different films.

    Super

    There is a good  movie to be made out of an everyman trying on the role of a superhero; that movie is called Mystery Men and they already made it fifteen years ago. Maybe that’s the movie I should have reviewed…

    Poster:

    Trailer:

    Bechdel Test:

    Fail

    The Representation Test Score: D (2 pts)

    (http://therepresentationproject.org/grading-hollywood-the-representation-test/)

    Representation Test

    [schema type=”movie” name=”Super” description=”After his wife falls under the influence of a drug dealer, an everyday guy transforms himself into Crimson Bolt, a superhero with the best intentions, but lacking in heroic skills.” director=”James Gunn” actor_1=”Rainn Wilson” actor_2=”Ellen Page”]

    Main Cast Rainn Wilson Frank Darbo/The Crimson Bolt, Ellen Page Libby/Boltie, Liv Tyler Sarah, Kevin Bacon Jacques
    Rating R
    Release Date Fri 10 Jun 2011 UTC
    Director James Gunn
    Genres Comedy, Drama
    Plot After his wife falls under the influence of a drug dealer, an everyday guy transforms himself into Crimson Bolt, a superhero with the best intentions, but lacking in heroic skills.
    Poster Super
    Runtime 96
    Tagline Shut up, crime!
    Writers James Gunn (written by)
    Year 2010