Author: mfordfeeney

140 Character Movie Review – #140RVW

PG-rated sequel isn’t actually as awful as I remember. Scant praise, maybe, but I remember it being truly wretched. It just isn’t any good.

Spoiler-free Movie Review of Conan the Destroyer:

Conan was always intended to be a saga, for obvious reasons. The character’s roots were in serial stories that could go on more or less forever and the premise lends itself to multiple sequels. So after the success of Conan the Barbarian, this film was inevitable and so should have been more successful. Sadly, it’s a classic franchise-killer.

Watching it now, on the 30th anniversary of its release, it’s really nowhere near as bad as I remembered it being. It certainly is not a good movie, but it really shouldn’t have stopped the film franchise dead in its tracks. I rather suspect that the bigger reason that no further sequel was forthcoming is that Schwarzenegger was simply too big of a star at this point to waste any more time on it unless it was going to be a guaranteed success. The other reason may have been that 1984 was a banner year for movies and this film looked even worse than it would have next to its peers. Conan the Destroyer was released a week after The Karate Kid, and with  that, Ghostbusters & Gremlins still in theaters, why would you go see this?

Plans for Conan the Conqueror as a third picture went straight into development hell as Ahnold became a superstar with The Terminator, released later in 1984. They even recycled the script, turning it into Kull the Conqueror, “starring” Kevin Sorbo. (Kull is apparently another barbarian hero created by Robert E. Howard. No, I didn’t know that, I looked it up. My interest only goes so far.) I am uncomfortably aware that a third film is once again in development, called King Conan or the Legend of Conan, depending on who you listen to. Please stop.

I am also aware that there was one more film to follow this one, Red Sonja, in which Schwarzenegger briefly returns as Conan, but since it is universally regarded as one of the worst films ever made, I’m choosing to ignore it.

So where did they go wrong? Everywhere, really. All of the A-listers involved in the first picture are absent here. New director (Richard Fleischer) & new screenwriter (Stanley Mann), both downgrades, work off of a comic book storyline, which does lead to a very comic book feel, in this instance meaning episodic and without any real weight. The picture simply feels like “the continuing adventures of…” without any importance and with the expectation of another equally bland tale next month. This probably would have made a very good episode of a Conan TV show, such as the Hercules show made in the 90’s with Kevin Sorbo (there’s that name again).

Part of the comic book feel must surely be attributed to the downgrading of the rating from an R to a PG. Maybe if this had been made a few months later when they had created the PG-13 rating we’d be left with something a little less jarring, but in the landscape the movie was made in, if the studio wanted to make bank, they needed to tone down the violence to get the PG. Less violence wouldn’t necessarily have been a deal-killer, since this was the 80’s and PG films still contained quite a bit of content that wouldn’t fly today. No, the problem is the other thing studios do to make a picture more family-friendly – add “humor”. Humor in this case usually means comic relief characters, and this is no exception here, with the inclusion of Tracey Walter as cringe-inducing Malak. Walter plays him as if it were a character from another movie in another country that had been surgically introduced here and voiced by someone who didn’t understand the language.

The acting is terrible across the board, really. Olivia d’Abo plays Princess Jehnna but reminds you more of Willie Scott, the shrieking damsel from Temple of Doom (also still in theaters at this time). Grace Jones is here to remind you that you are right in the middle of the 80’s. Wilt Chamberlain is in this movie – really. It’s his only film role. See if you can guess why. He’s…well, he’s Wilt Chamberlain, but he has a wig. Sarah Douglas, Ursa from the first two Superman pictures also appears in this movie. That’s about as much as I’m willing to say.

(André “The Giant” Roussimouff makes an uncredited appearance as Dagoth the god/monster thingy, but you won’t recognize him.)

But nothing is so disheartening as Conan himself. He talks more – and that’s bad. Do you know that in the first picture he speaks only five words to his leading lady, all within the first 30 seconds of meeting her? (“You’re not a guard.” and then “No.”) That’s it. Now, he’s not exactly eloquent in this movie, but he’s changed far too much since the first movie and that’s a fatal mistake.

There’s a story here, but I’m not going to bore you with it. It stinks. Give this one a pass and go rewatch the original.

Poster:

Trailer:

Bechdel Test:

Pass, somewhat surprisingly…

The Representation Test Score: C (4 pts)

(http://therepresentationproject.org/grading-hollywood-the-representation-test/)

[schema type=”movie” name=”Conan the Destroyer” description=”Conan leads a ragtag group of adventurers on a quest for a princess.” director=”Richard Fleischer” actor_1=”Arnold Schwarzenegger” ]

Main Cast	Arnold Schwarzenegger Conan, Grace Jones Zula, Olivia d’Abo (as Olivia D’Abo) Princess Jehnna, Wilt Chamberlain Bombaata
Rating	PG
Release Date	Fri 29 Jun 1984 UTC
Director	Richard Fleischer
Genres	Action, Adventure, Fantasy
Plot	Conan leads a ragtag group of adventurers on a quest for a princess.
Poster
Runtime	103
Tagline	The most powerful legend of all is back in a new adventure.
Writers	Robert E. Howard (character), Roy Thomas (story) …
Year	1984

140 Character Movie Review – #140RVW

Destined to be the breakout film for the Austrian Oak. No one else could have played Conan. No other role would have made him a superstar…

Spoiler-free Movie Review of Conan the Barbarian:

It’s such a shame that Arnold Schwarzenegger has become such a polarizing figure. I suppose he was always controversial, but many of us were blissfully unaware of the baggage he brought around with him. During the 1980’s & 90’s, you could simply enjoy the sheer awesomeness of Ahnold.

I am aware that this film was recently remade in 2011 with Jason Momoa (Game of Thrones) as the titular character. I’m not sure if I’ll ever watch it. There is absolutely no upside to remaking such an iconic film.

And Conan is an iconic film – a fantastic movie. I know that statement will strike some as preposterous, but it’s true – it’s a very good movie.

It certainly took a long time to make. The character debuted in the pulp fiction pages of Weird Tales magazine in 1932, with creator Robert E. Howard penning some 20 tales before his untimely death in 1936 at age 30. The character was revived by authors L. Sprague DeCamp and Lin Carter (and others) in novel form, but it may have been the covers by famed fantasy artist Frank Frazetta that are the most indelible image of Conan the Cimmerian.

Edward Summer was the first person to work toward turning Conan into a film character, enlisting executive producer Edward R. Pressman as early as 1975. It would take 7 years to make the film a reality. Along the way there was a crazy script written by an admittedly drugged-out Oliver Stone (who would retain partial screenwriting credit) and the acquisition of a co-producer (legend Dino De Laurentiis) and co-writer/director in John Milius.

But it was the casting of bodybuilder and aspiring actor Arnold Schwarzenegger in the title role that really would sell this picture. While there were other strongmen who could have filled the role (one of Schwarzenegger’s friends and competitors Franco Columbu is in the film), none could have really owned the part the way Ahnold did. It really is his picture.

It’s the perfect role for him. His inexperience, his struggle with the accent, all of these are good things for the role – he’s a barbarian. I love that Schwarzenegger had to do his own stunts because they couldn’t possibly find a suitable body double. His physique is only more impressive when you realize he had to cut back on his workouts because he didn’t have any range of motion to use a sword – he was too huge. What’s sort of amusing to me, even on the thousandth viewing, is that he plays a thief. It’s just kind of funny to have someone so huge and without subtlety in the role of thief. Totally makes me question all those dice rolls…

The story is very good, although not so good that I’m going to summarize it here – it would sound silly. And I suppose to some degree it is, but it works well for this type of picture. The plot is based on a number of different Howard storylines, coaxed by Milius into shape by appropriating bits from other films like Seven Samurai. The dialogue is a great collection of funny lines – some of which were actually meant to be funny.

The acting by non-Austrian bodybuilders is fine, with James Earl Jones & Max Von Sydow along to provide gravitas in bad wigs. And the best thing about the film may well be the score by Basil Poledouris – simply gorgeous.

Despite primitive effects, it’s a good looking film. It looks like it could have been made more or less anytime pre-CG. While it was meant to be the beginning of a franchise, the crappy sequel and the rise of Ahnold made that difficult, although they seem to be seriously planning a new movie now that the Governator has returned to acting…

Conan the Barbarian is a fantastically fun picture. It’s stupid violent, with no subtlety and absolutely no cultural sensitivity. It scores a zero on the Representation Test and isn’t likely to be screened for my daughter any time soon. And I LOVE it. It’s one of my favorite movies and I simply refuse to apologize for it, by Crom…

Poster:

Trailer:

Bechdel Test:

Fail

The Representation Test Score: F (0 pts)

Shocking, right?

(http://therepresentationproject.org/grading-hollywood-the-representation-test/)

[schema type=”movie” name=”Conan the Barbarian” description=”A vengeful barbarian warrior sets off to avenge his tribe and his parents whom were slain by an evil sorcerer and his warriors when he was a boy.” director=”John Milius” actor_1=”Arnold Schwarzenegger” actor_2=”James Earl Jones”]

Main Cast	Arnold Schwarzenegger Conan, James Earl Jones Thulsa Doom, Max von Sydow King Osric, Sandahl Bergman Valeria
Rating	R
Release Date	Fri 14 May 1982 UTC
Director	John Milius
Genres	Action, Fantasy, Adventure
Plot	A vengeful barbarian warrior sets off to avenge his tribe and his parents whom were slain by an evil sorcerer and his warriors when he was a boy.
Poster
Runtime	129
Tagline	He conquered an empire with his sword. She conquered HIM with her bare hands.
Writers	Robert E. Howard (stories), John Milius (written by) …
Year	1982

140 Character Movie Review – #140RVW

Absurdly violent, this black comedy is less funny than expected, considering the talent involved. Uneven & off-tone but good for few laughs.

Spoiler-free Movie Review of Super:

Superhero movies always dance with the dark side. These costumed characters are vigilantes, after all, and there isn’t a large difference between the good guys and the villains sometimes. Superhero films are also good material for comedy; there’s something inherently silly about dressing up in a costume.

Super tries to run with both of these ideas. The result is messy.

Sad-sack short-order cook Frank Darbo (Rainn Wilson) decides to become a vigilante/hero after his recovering addict wife Sarah (Liv Tyler) is lured into away from him by drug-dealing strip club owner Jacques (a “what the hell is he doing here” Kevin Bacon).

One of his motivations for donning a costume is believing he has been touched by God through His messenger, the Holy Avenger (Nathan Fillion), star of a crappy Christian public-access show. This is the worst use of Nathan Fillion I believe I have ever seen…

The movie details his pathetic early attempts at creating a costume, fighting crime and maintaining a secret identity. It’s not bad stuff, particularly as he flails about in his “Crimson Bolt” costume in broad daylight, mystified as to where to look for crimes.

But it takes a huge left turn when he finally confronts “criminals”, such as the guy who cut in the line in front of him. His costume fools no one, but after he viciously attacks wrongdoers with a pipe wrench, they find it hard to complain.

He accidentally enlists the help of an over-eager comic book store clerk named Libby (Ellen Page) when his attempts to search comic books for ideas on being a superhero give him away. Despite his reluctance, he lets her suit up as “Boltie” and join him in the noble cause of ridding the city of thugs – like the guy who may have keyed her friends car – or maybe not.

The movie’s latter two acts are totally joyless, leading to a bloodbath climax that clinches the film’s failure. Super suffers from nothing so much as an identity crisis. Writer/director James Gunn can’t decide on a tone and stick with it. I’m very nervous that he is responsible for Guardians of the Galaxy.

The problem isn’t that it’s a violent movie. I like dark comedies and you can absolutely include violent content for laughs and/or for shock value. The problem is that it’s atonal violence. It doesn’t match the feel of the film. Super is like a mash-up of two different films.

There is a good  movie to be made out of an everyman trying on the role of a superhero; that movie is called Mystery Men and they already made it fifteen years ago. Maybe that’s the movie I should have reviewed…

Poster:

Trailer:

Bechdel Test:

Fail

The Representation Test Score: D (2 pts)

(http://therepresentationproject.org/grading-hollywood-the-representation-test/)

[schema type=”movie” name=”Super” description=”After his wife falls under the influence of a drug dealer, an everyday guy transforms himself into Crimson Bolt, a superhero with the best intentions, but lacking in heroic skills.” director=”James Gunn” actor_1=”Rainn Wilson” actor_2=”Ellen Page”]

Main Cast	Rainn Wilson Frank Darbo/The Crimson Bolt, Ellen Page Libby/Boltie, Liv Tyler Sarah, Kevin Bacon Jacques
Rating	R
Release Date	Fri 10 Jun 2011 UTC
Director	James Gunn
Genres	Comedy, Drama
Plot	After his wife falls under the influence of a drug dealer, an everyday guy transforms himself into Crimson Bolt, a superhero with the best intentions, but lacking in heroic skills.
Poster
Runtime	96
Tagline	Shut up, crime!
Writers	James Gunn (written by)
Year	2010

140 Character Movie Review – #140RVW

Important with capital “I” movie feels almost like an after-school special. Not bad for all that, but there is a definite small screen feel.

Spoiler-free Movie Review of Geography Club:

Streamed this on a lark. I don’t know if it was intentional or not, but the blurb on Netflix gave no impression that it was a movie about gay teens. I thought I was watching a movie about geeks or being bullied. That it was so narrowly focused on one group of teens needing support didn’t lessen its impact, but it feels like a bit of a missed opportunity to speak in more general terms about high school hell. Still, it was only 83 minutes, so they really couldn’t afford to bite off too much, I suppose.

Once I finally realized what the movie was about, it was a good story. The movie is based off of a novel by the same name, the first in a series of books by Brent Hartinger. Protagonist Russell Middlebrook (Cameron Deane Stewart) is struggling with his sexuality. He’s unsure, but definitely attracted to hunky jock Kevin Land (Justin Deeley), who has no intention of being de-closeted. When they are seen kissing by fellow student Min (Ally Maki), she invites Russell to the after-school Geography Club. In truth, there is no such club, just a small group of gay students meeting for support. While Russell tries to figure out what he wants, he finds himself increasingly pulled in different directions. While he is becoming engaged with this new group of unlikely friends, he has been recruited onto the stereotypically narrow-minded football team, all while being pressured by his best friend into pursuing a physical heterosexual relationship with an inseparable pair of girls.

That’s a lot of relationships for such a short movie, so the filmmakers lean heavily on the stereotypes. Russell’s best friend Gunnar (Andrew Caldwell) is the chubby funny guy that only gets the girl on sufferance. The girl that Gunnar lusts for is the town bicycle, and so is her friend, thus propelling Russell into an instant dilemma. The jocks are exactly as close-minded as they always are in these movies, even if one of them, Kevin, is the love interest for Russell. Kevin could have been the most interesting character in the film, as he has supportive parents and seemingly the most self-confidence, but his complete refusal to rock the boat makes him a one-note character. The bullied teen is the bullied teen, and the gay members of the Geography Club look like they were focus group-picked out of a television crayon box that reads “DIVERSITY”.

I would highly recommend this movie to all teenagers. But it does definitely smack of “message movie”. There’s no two ways about it – this is a movie you show to the class, and it feels like it. I can see that it made the festival rounds, but it screams “made for tv”. Everything’s a little too clean, too polished. It’s only slightly edgier than a Disney Channel movie. Generic clothes & music, deliberately avoiding any type of branding that could drive up the cost. Broadcasts like it was filmed in Canada to look like California, even though it wasn’t. It’s High School Musical – without the music.

I realize this review is coming off as rather negative and I don’t mean to give the movie such a hard time. It was a good movie and if I am dissecting it overmuch it’s simply that it could have been a lot more. This is a very important topic and the filmmakers are to be applauded for making it. It’s definitely worth a watch, but it likely won’t shift any attitudes or change any minds. It’s plays as a sort of an introduction to open-mindedness; “Gay Teen 101”. Like a coat of primer you put down as a base layer to treat the surface audience so that the better quality film will better adhere. Recommended, just not enthusiastically.

Poster:

Trailer:

Bechdel Test:

Pass

The Representation Test Score: A (12 pts)

(http://therepresentationproject.org/grading-hollywood-the-representation-test/)

[schema type=”movie” name=”Geography Club” description=”At Goodkind High School, a group of students of varying sexual orientation form an after-school club as a discreet way to share their feelings and experiences.” director=”Gary Entin” actor_1=”Cameron Deane Stewart” ]

Main Cast	Cameron Deane Stewart Russell, Meaghan Martin Trish, Justin Deeley Kevin, Ana Gasteyer Mrs. Toles
Rating	PG-13
Release Date	Wed 05 Feb 2014 UTC
Director	Gary Entin
Genres	Comedy
Plot	At Goodkind High School, a group of students of varying sexual orientation form an after-school club as a discreet way to share their feelings and experiences.
Poster
Runtime	80
Tagline	They formed a club they thought nobody would join…
Writers	Edmund Entin (screenplay), Brent Hartinger (novel)
Year	2013

140 Character Movie Review – #140RVW

Wonderfully made comedy that has ability to gut you with the hopelessness of the mining towns – and does. Great acting, music and heart…

Spoiler-free Movie Review of Brassed Off:

Two years before Little Voice, writer/director Mark Herman put out this tale of a South Yorkshire colliery brass band facing the possibility (near certainty) that their coal mining pit will be closed. Set in the 1990’s in the fictional Grimley (standing in for Grimethorpe, one of the poorest villages in England), the struggling town is hanging by a thread that is all but certain to be snipped. What difference does a brass band make?

The film is not marketed, at least in the US, as a political or social commentary, and to its credit, it largely isn’t. The miners situation is integral to the story – but it isn’t the story. This is a tale of hope and of people and how they respond to crisis. Even without a firm knowledge of the background to the story and England’s coal industry woes (which I certainly do not possess in any amount), the situation is clearly explained and understood.

It’s not a clean movie, but then neither is it depicting a clean story. This is not a romantic comedy, for all of the sparks between Ewan McGregor & Tara Fitzgerald and despite the marketing of the film. There are bumps all along the road and the narrative requires that you pay attention. That’s not to say that the film is muddled – it simply isn’t the straightforward tale you instinctively expect.

The film juggles quite a few main characters – possibly too many. Early on I was a bit confused. But they all have their own path and story and it’s all good stuff.

The standout star here is Pete Postlethwaite as band leader Danny Ormondroyd. His complete rigidity and indifference to the fate of the pit as it relates to his band is startling; he truly can’t understand why the members seem to be letting the imminent loss of their jobs affect their commitment to the band. His single-mindedness drives his son Phil (played brilliantly by Stephen Tompkinson) to continue to fall deeper in debt in order to remain with the band, even though it may cost him his marriage, home and health. The father/son dynamic is riveting.

Tara Fitzgerald handles the challenging role of Gloria Mullins well; Mullins has been dispatched to her hometown by the management of British Coal to determine the feasibility of the pit, a role she’d prefer not to disclose. She is torn by her responsibilities to the company versus her place in the band and burgeoning relationship with miner and horn player Andy Barrow (McGregor). The rest of the cast is made up of wonderful English character actors and members of the Grimethorpe Colliery Band.

Brassed Off is a funny film, but one that doesn’t shy away from a very hard time and raw emotions. It barely avoids being too heavy-handed, but it does come close to being emotionally manipulative. It’s a very interesting story, maybe more so for those of us who are unfamiliar with the historical context. The acting performances are excellent, bested only by the musical performances, which are stellar. Highly recommended.

Poster:

Trailer:

Bechdel Test:

Pass

The Representation Test Score: C (4 pts)

(http://therepresentationproject.org/grading-hollywood-the-representation-test/)

[schema type=”movie” name=”Brassed Off” description=”The coal mine in a northern English village may be closing, which would also mean the end of the miners’ brass band.” director=”Mark Herman” actor_1=”Pete Postlethwaite” actor_2=”Tara Fitzgerald” actor_3=”Ewan McGregor”]

Main Cast	Pete Postlethwaite Danny, Tara Fitzgerald Gloria, Ewan McGregor Andy, Stephen Tompkinson Phil
Rating	R
Release Date	Fri 23 May 1997 UTC
Director	Mark Herman
Genres	Comedy, Drama, Romance
Plot	The coal mine in a northern English village may be closing, which would also mean the end of the miners’ brass band.
Poster
Runtime	107
Tagline	Fed up with the system. Ticked off at the establishment. And mad about… each other.
Writers	Mark Herman (written by)
Year	1996